Many days of the week I have sex with someone, different people mainly. We meet in hotels, homes, I stay for an hour maybe two. And I am paid. I am often touched, intimately, spend time close with another.
And yet I crave human touch. More then anything else right now. I want human touch, to be hugged, stroked, fall asleep in the arms of another. Anything – as long as there is a prolonged human touch.
It seems ironic when I touch so many people in such an intimate way that I would feel starved of closeness. But it is different. There isn’t the same connection somehow.
I think it is how I can’t relax in the same way, I want to be able to let go, become weightless in that touch, that hug. But you can’t let go when you are so focused on:
- what is he doing
- where are his hands
- what does he want
- is he enjoying this
- do i look sexy
- feel sexy to him
- am i still safe
- ………………..the list could go on
It makes me tense, unable to relax, not there in the moment. Because I am so busy orchestrating that perfect moment, that is exactly what that client wants right then and there. Acting and pretending so perfectly that the client will never guess that the moment isn’t real, that it doesn’t exist outside that moment.
I’ve been lucky recently with spooning from friends, and it leaves me feeling so relaxed and happy. Content with the world. TV shows people high fiving at getting laid, i’m far happier when i get to spend a night spooning someone I feel I can trust. The next day i want to shout it from the roof-tops.
how many bananas? 